Saturdays are for junk shopping

Christina picked me up yesterday morning and we went to breakfast at my favorite breakfast restaurant, The Park Cafe. They make the best Huevos Rancheros I have ever eaten. Homemade black beans and the tastiest breakfast potatoes in the state.

Afterward we went junk shopping! We hit a couple of places but abode was the first. This little place is right up the street from me. We are literally on the same street. I could walk there in about 10 minutes or less. It's small but it is packed full of treasures and the owner Mariam is so friendly and welcoming.

I found this polka dot bulletin board there and had to get it. I've been meaning to move my red desk from the living room to the entryway and the new board gave me incentive. I can finally mark at least one decorating task off of my list. Next I'm painting the desk black and then distressing it.

The brothers came over later in the afternoon and worked on my car. I made a scrumptious dinner and salad (sorry Stacey, no pictures of the food). We all ate, drank wine and laughed for the rest of the evening. Good times.

Phew!

Sometimes I feel like 2009 just kicked the tar out of me. I really am not sorry to see it go. I'm tired and I hope to God that my dreams and heart are reborn this year. I'm not the woman that I was before ... that's for sure. Growing is hard but I trust myself more than I ever have and that's important. ♥

A little decadence never hurt anybody

I think of my late grandpa every time I come to this bakery. My grandma use to warm a danish for him in the oven every morning. At least every morning that I was ever there. She would wrap it in tinfoil and stick it in the oven and then call him to the table when it was done. I bought two cheese danishes yesterday and warmed one of them up, just how grandpa liked them, right when I got home.

Caffeine and sugar, mmm...the American way! This morning I was only able to partake in caffeine because I downed the second danish around midnight last night. *sigh* In hindsight I would have only eaten half.

2010 I Like You Already

Wednesday night I met a friend downtown at the library for a poetry reading. This library is one of my favorite places to visit in Salt Lake City. Combine it with poetry and I'm a very happy woman!

We listened to poets who were published in the independent poetry journal, Sugar House Review. It is a semiannual publication of some very talented Utah poets - one of whom I hope to become. I'm definitely going to make an effort to get published this year. I'm excited to learn of another publication highlighting local talent.

Isn't this building impressive? This photo was taken from the east entry of the vestibule. All along the right are shops, including an art gallery and a small deli. On the lefthand side is a coffee shop and the entry into the library which has a total of four levels. Four levels of BOOKS!? That my friends, is a modicum of heaven in my world.

Making a life...

This past year has been so incredibly hard. To feel things that you don't know how to express and have the object of those feelings give up on you and move on is among the most difficult of feelings I have ever had to endure. I had no idea I could cry so much...hurt so much. I hate that I seem to have been cursed with such insecurity, such shyness, especially toward the opposite sex. Fuck... I feel so broken. When will this go away?????????????????????

hokay!

My life has been slightly interrupted the last couple of weeks because my car broke down (shocking!). We thought it was just the battery and my brother replaced it only to have the timing belt go out a few days later, in the middle of a snow storm, while driving home from work one night. Jesus, my car (cleverly named by my brothers because it keeps resurrecting from the dead) was kind enough to wait until I was coming onto the off ramp of the freeway. Right when I was giving myself kudos for not having a panic attack while driving in the storm, on the freeway, in the dark - he died. No warning at all. My cell phone battery also died so I trucked the two miles home, on foot, in the snow storm. The strange part? I kind of enjoyed the walk...

On New Year's Eve, Christina took me to get my car out of impound. Yeah, that whole "You have twenty-four hours to get your car off of the road" all lies. Anyway, after that we hung out and ate pizza and watched movies. She also helped me pick out images for this collage project that I'm working on. I got the idea from my sister. She and her best friend collaged a life size mannequin a couple of years ago. One of my resolutions is to improve my vocabulary. I'm making myself flashcards and they really are helping me retain the information more quickly. I'm such a dork.

This is Pascal the Parrot, aka Little Chicken Man. Another resolution is to spend more time handling him. He's a sweet little guy who I know would be an absolute lover if I held him more. He's currently entertaining me by barking like the neighbor's dog.


And now, the lovely purse that Mumsey made! I really dig tartan and red is among my most favorite colors. It is also huge so I can pretty much put my entire life in there.

Finally there is Gisele .... She's on a diet for the new year. She just doesn't know it yet.

♥

WARNING:

twenty-tens a comin

Christmas was spent in Phoenix with my parents. It was really nice to spend it with them. It had been a couple of years. My mom put everything she had into us kids like always. As soon as I get a memory card for my camera I'll post some pictures of the killer purse that she made for me.

I've been thinking a lot about what changes I would like to make this coming year. Yep, I'm one of those. I enjoy this time of year and the reflection that it brings. I'm spending the next few days getting organized and (somewhat) planning my execution. I mean to do a lot more writing this year.

It's time

I've spent a lot of energy in my life trying to avoid being vulnerable in order to be, or appear to be, strong and independent. I also thought that I could keep myself from getting hurt. I realize now that I have had it all wrong. It takes strength and courage to let your guard down and fall in love be it platonic or romantic and there is no way to outsmart getting hurt. I'm finally ready to fall in love. I'm ready to fall big and I'm ready to fall hard. But mostly, I'm ready to fall completely.

Intuition

Life is worth all of the trials...
the lost hopes...
the dashed dreams...
even the heartache...
when it teaches the dreamer...
how to listen...
to herself.

I want someone to tell my secrets to...

Crossing Thresholds

Sometimes I sit down to write or work in my art journal or paint and it just flows right out of me. But lately...that's not the case. The last several months have been full of change and emotional growth. There is not much in my life today that was there only a few months ago. People leave, people die, jobs are lost, loved ones are terminally diagnosed...yet somehow life goes on and even has the capacity of becoming sweeter. Relationships are appreciated, time is valued, hopes and dreams are fought for. In the middle of it all lies opportunity to change direction and cross the much needed thresholds in order to live authentically. My life, my person, is like this unfinished painting. Unsure of the result of each new decision but determined to become a work of art anyway...

Closing doors and opening windows

Love isn't actually difficult to find but rather easy to miss. It's too subtle to outshine our ideals and if we've never learned to love or value ourselves, it's not only tricky to recognize, but to accept.

♥ ♥ ♥

I need someone I can talk to

I have a hard time digesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with any genuine intellect. I see the big picture first and then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times, in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure

This is why I enjoy writing & making art so much. Talking often moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing or respond the wrong way and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or, I make myself sound like an idiot…. I do that a lot. I'm much smarter than my conversation reveals. With writing, I can take the time to articulate my thoughts and feelings into the right words. With art, it doesn't need to make sense to anyone else at all.

(photos were taken while sailing in San Diego last week)

I have a hard time dygesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with genuine intellect. I see the big picture first, then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure.

I think this is why I enjoy writing so much. Talking moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or make I myself sound like an idiot.

Life's constant alterations

It's an odd thing when you outgrow your life. Like most things we outgrow, it happens over night - the quantum leap. The tiny changes we've made up to this point, the books we've read, the decision we've made (good & bad) even that brief conversation with the stranger that tweaked our perspective, all of these things abruptly manifest and suddenly nothing fits.

I've been sorting through it all the last few months trying to figure out exactly what I need to change and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to live. I need to take some risks in my life and start betting on my own dreams.

Fertile Ground

We've had a lot of rain this spring and I've really enjoyed it. I like the way rainy days calm my nerves and remind me to step back and take time to reflect...

to forgive...

to hand it all over to God & allow the soil of my heart to soften once again.

Sometimes a girl's just gotta splurge

I bought my first Moleskine today and OH.MY.GOODNESS. How have I lived this long without one? I don't know, I don't know. I can only plead ignorance.

It's the little things

I pray for more moments where I recognize the sweetness in the simplest parts of life- where I pause to listen to the rain against my window & remember to enjoy the journey...
Be it full of sorrow or joy.

Restoration

I've been a social butterfly this week. After being pretty much a hermit for the last year or more, it feels nice to extend myself into other people's lives again. Utah hasn't been the easiest place for me to make girlfriends. Most people have known each other all of their lives here and penetrating that circle can be intimidating to say the least. Either that or they are married with a bazillion kids and I have a hard time relating. So, I've spent the majority of my time here feeling out of the loop and a bit awkward. But I've been praying about it and what do ya know...women that I've met over the years are beginning to surface once again and this time around there is more of a connection. We seem to be at the same place in our lives on many different things. The reinvention of 'me' is well underway and making some mighty fine progress. ♥

I came home from a BBQ tonight to find this sweet little girl sleeping in my armouire. She is determined to get fur on every square inch of this place!