twenty-tens a comin

Christmas was spent in Phoenix with my parents. It was really nice to spend it with them. It had been a couple of years. My mom put everything she had into us kids like always. As soon as I get a memory card for my camera I'll post some pictures of the killer purse that she made for me.

I've been thinking a lot about what changes I would like to make this coming year. Yep, I'm one of those. I enjoy this time of year and the reflection that it brings. I'm spending the next few days getting organized and (somewhat) planning my execution. I mean to do a lot more writing this year.

It's time

I've spent a lot of energy in my life trying to avoid being vulnerable in order to be, or appear to be, strong and independent. I also thought that I could keep myself from getting hurt. I realize now that I have had it all wrong. It takes strength and courage to let your guard down and fall in love be it platonic or romantic and there is no way to outsmart getting hurt. I'm finally ready to fall in love. I'm ready to fall big and I'm ready to fall hard. But mostly, I'm ready to fall completely.

Intuition

Life is worth all of the trials...
the lost hopes...
the dashed dreams...
even the heartache...
when it teaches the dreamer...
how to listen...
to herself.

I want someone to tell my secrets to...

Crossing Thresholds

Sometimes I sit down to write or work in my art journal or paint and it just flows right out of me. But lately...that's not the case. The last several months have been full of change and emotional growth. There is not much in my life today that was there only a few months ago. People leave, people die, jobs are lost, loved ones are terminally diagnosed...yet somehow life goes on and even has the capacity of becoming sweeter. Relationships are appreciated, time is valued, hopes and dreams are fought for. In the middle of it all lies opportunity to change direction and cross the much needed thresholds in order to live authentically. My life, my person, is like this unfinished painting. Unsure of the result of each new decision but determined to become a work of art anyway...

Closing doors and opening windows

Love isn't actually difficult to find but rather easy to miss. It's too subtle to outshine our ideals and if we've never learned to love or value ourselves, it's not only tricky to recognize, but to accept.

♥ ♥ ♥

I need someone I can talk to

I have a hard time digesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with any genuine intellect. I see the big picture first and then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times, in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure

This is why I enjoy writing & making art so much. Talking often moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing or respond the wrong way and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or, I make myself sound like an idiot…. I do that a lot. I'm much smarter than my conversation reveals. With writing, I can take the time to articulate my thoughts and feelings into the right words. With art, it doesn't need to make sense to anyone else at all.

(photos were taken while sailing in San Diego last week)

I have a hard time dygesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with genuine intellect. I see the big picture first, then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure.

I think this is why I enjoy writing so much. Talking moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or make I myself sound like an idiot.

Life's constant alterations

It's an odd thing when you outgrow your life. Like most things we outgrow, it happens over night - the quantum leap. The tiny changes we've made up to this point, the books we've read, the decision we've made (good & bad) even that brief conversation with the stranger that tweaked our perspective, all of these things abruptly manifest and suddenly nothing fits.

I've been sorting through it all the last few months trying to figure out exactly what I need to change and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to live. I need to take some risks in my life and start betting on my own dreams.

Fertile Ground

We've had a lot of rain this spring and I've really enjoyed it. I like the way rainy days calm my nerves and remind me to step back and take time to reflect...

to forgive...

to hand it all over to God & allow the soil of my heart to soften once again.

Sometimes a girl's just gotta splurge

I bought my first Moleskine today and OH.MY.GOODNESS. How have I lived this long without one? I don't know, I don't know. I can only plead ignorance.

It's the little things

I pray for more moments where I recognize the sweetness in the simplest parts of life- where I pause to listen to the rain against my window & remember to enjoy the journey...
Be it full of sorrow or joy.

Restoration

I've been a social butterfly this week. After being pretty much a hermit for the last year or more, it feels nice to extend myself into other people's lives again. Utah hasn't been the easiest place for me to make girlfriends. Most people have known each other all of their lives here and penetrating that circle can be intimidating to say the least. Either that or they are married with a bazillion kids and I have a hard time relating. So, I've spent the majority of my time here feeling out of the loop and a bit awkward. But I've been praying about it and what do ya know...women that I've met over the years are beginning to surface once again and this time around there is more of a connection. We seem to be at the same place in our lives on many different things. The reinvention of 'me' is well underway and making some mighty fine progress. ♥

I came home from a BBQ tonight to find this sweet little girl sleeping in my armouire. She is determined to get fur on every square inch of this place!

thee poetess is learning to paint

Last night it was so beautiful outside that I took my supplies out onto my back steps and painted while I listened to music by 'Wovenhand'. It's a CD that Ben brought by a few weeks ago that I can't get enough of, especially when I'm creating something. The lyrics are like prayers & the music is dark and mystical, it's fabulous!

It's difficult to capture the effects of the different layers by photograph and it's my first time drawing a 'real life' looking person. I don't think I did too badly. I'm actually kind of proud of the lips, even though they are a bit uneven.

♥~♥

I feel so small
inside of myself
as if I'm beginning
to disappear
watching
from the outside
looking in
a fly
on my own wall

~E~

♥~♥

Revolution of the Heart

If you click on the picture you'll be able to see more of the detail in this.

Get it in your journal!

What are some of your dreams? This is hard for a lot of people and as life beats us down, as it has a tendency to do, it can get even harder. What did you use to dream about when you were younger and determined to win against all odds? Do you remember? What are some of the things you catch yourself daydreaming about now? (I pray you still allow yourself to daydream?!) Get them down in your journal. Nothing is too silly or far fetched! Nobody has to see this but you anyway, so trust yourself with your own heart. Pick a couple (or a lot) of pictures that represent your dreams and then write others around them. It seems difficult at first but once you start letting yourself dream again your memory has rapid recall. Pay attention to how your mood begins to perk up (that's called hope). We were created to dream and move toward a vision.

♥♥♥♥♥

"The definition of old is when your problems are bigger than your dreams."

-anonymous

I 'Heart' My Art Journal

I've been working in my journal everyday this week. It remains one of the most therapeutic rituals that I have. Between this and the morning pages that I've been writing for the last three weeks (taken from The Artist's Way by: Julia Cameron) I am really beginning to feel myself unblocking. I've almost completed this entire journal and I have my eye on a new Moleskine. I just haven't decided on whether or not I want one with watercolor paper.

I live for these kind of weekends!

This weekend was lazy in the 'real world' sense. I did nothing but indulge my artist all weekend long. I read and wrote poetry, had a massage and lounged at a coffee shop drinking tea and reading my novel. I went to the library and looked through art books & read about people and issues that I'm passionate about. I actually played and wrote in my art journal, something that I haven't done in awhile. And I watched movies that inspired me artistically; An Angel at My Table - about awarding winning poet Janet Frame and Frida - about Frida Kahlo of course. Both of these movies liberated me somehow... I don't know how to explain. I've always been eccentric and known that I was. But somehow overnight, I'm truly alright with it for the first time ever in my life. It's OK if I don't conform. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just want be my own person.

♥ Happy Mother's Day Mom ♥

I'm not a very good photographer but I did my best. Here is a photo of the mixed media collage I made for my mom as part of her Mother's Day gift. She loved it - which made my day!

I love you mom! Thank you for being such a fun mom and for teaching me how to laugh at myself, among other things. Have a wonderful day and know that you are loved, appreciated and admired...by someone I'm sure!

XOXO

I have no idea where I'm going with this, I just wanted to do something different. I started it last night and then added the red and white today. I plan on writing in white on top of the red I'm just trying to find the given words. That's as far as I've let myself plan. I just want to see where the painting takes me. I have so many emotions flying around inside of me right now. I feel far removed from things, people, my dreams...I think the painting is panning out to be a good manifestation of that. Maybe once all of that is expressed it will bring me back around to where I long to be.