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Dear Ben,

I love your sick and twisted mind.

When I was little, I was astonished by the moon. I use to think that it followed me. As an adult, I still find it amazing & beautiful but the "man in the moon" just never sounded quite right... this sounds much better!

My Candlemas/Imbolc Celebration

Holding true to my resolutions to implement other religions and denominations into my own personal worship time, I celebrated my variation of Candlemas & Imbolc this year for the first time.

I won't give you a history or theology lesson on what each of these are because you can easily find that with a google search if you are so inclined. However, each of these holiday's speak of Spring, purification, light, fire, birth, harvest....basically new beginnings. I took something from each to create this little altar.
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The altar included: a mosaic cross that my sister made me; incense; candles (of course); fresh flowers; a few pieces of Christmas tree branch that I still had; a twig of fresh rosemary; Bible; Celtic worship music, Spirit flute music, pottery bowl, pen & paper.
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First I put on the Celtic music and lit a candle in every room of my apartment, even the bathroom. Then I displayed the goods as beautifully as I could and lit more candles and incense. I danced around to the music for awhile and then I sat down in front of the altar. I sang softly with the music and thought about why I worship Jesus and what worship meant. I just sang and talked to God and wrote things on the paper that were on my heart. Things that I was sorry for, worried about, sick and tired of, & the names of people that I loved and want the best for. Each time that I wrote something, I tore it from the page and folded it up making a little pile of requests. Then I just asked The Lord to take care of them for me, to lift the burden of anything that wasn't mine. I asked God to help me start fresh and free from my worries and regrets of the past year and to help me move forward and to believe in my dreams again. Then I read from The Psalms for awhile.

Once the Celtic music was done I put in the Spirit Flute music. While the music played I proceeded to burn, in my pottery bowl, all of my pieces of paper, the Christmas tree twigs, and the rosemary. Watching it burn was a great visual of my worries being burned with it.

I kept these ashes to remind me that my past is gone and forgiven. I am a new creation in Christ. He is my Spring, my new beginning - each and everyday.

And Breathe

Do you ever feel like nobody gets you? Like you're not in sync with the rest of world? I feel like that a lot and especially this past week. Sometimes I grow very weary of trying to explain my perspective or being called weird. Usually I take the whole weird thing as a compliment and the same with being out of sync. I love my individuality, and I like knowing that I do and think things because of what I've read or decided rather than because it's popular and main stream. But still...

When people that are closest to us seem to never really understand where we are coming from, it can be upsetting.

I wrote about all of that here, on pages painted with the color Latte, then covered it with red paint thinned with a little gel medium. I just cut out images that I felt drawn to. I love the topless girl with her jar. She looks vulnerable and confident all at once. Next, I took an oil pastel in blue and scribbled all over and smooshed it around (I think the best part of creating is getting the paint and glue all over your hands!). Then I stamped with gold ink. The last thing that I added was metal leaf. This is the first time I've ever used it and I loved it. I just put some gel medium on a paint brush, dipped it in the bag of leaf and smeared it in random places on the pages.

I finally feel a connection when I journal. It's like coming home.

Questioning

I spend a lot of time wondering about things like...what is freedom really? Is it when we feel safest or when we are taking risks? How much of what we do, what we decide, is actually decided for us? Why don't we seem to trust our neighbors to make good decisions but think the government can fix everything? Aren't they just people too? See what I mean? Always wondering...

I AM WORTHY

This is one of those times that I wish I wouldn't have added that last thing. I think I like the pencil better than the yellow paint....oh well. I promised myself I would stop being afraid to make mistakes.

Feeling Insecure

This spread is actually green and the pink is closer to white than pink in real life. I don't know why it photographed like this.

I'm having one of those nights where you need reassurance but you just are not going to get any. And it came out of nowhere. Yes...it's hormonal, but as you know, that doesn't make it any less real. I always regret when I react to this emotion.

Yena'ad Aleik (Happy Birthday)

Supposedly "yena'ad aleik" means happy birthday in Lebanese. Ben took me to celebrate my thirty fifth birthday at my favorite Middle Eastern Restaurant, Mazza. This is my birthday spread. The torn up pieces of paper that I've written on are actually from the craft paper that he wrapped my gift in. And the picture on the left at the bottom, is a photo of the dining area of the restaurant. The typed words above it are the dishes that we ordered, cut from a menu that I printed from the Internet. ...Hummus, Vegetarian Grape Leaves, Lamb & Rice Dolaa, Chicken & Potatoes Mutabbak and of course some delicious Lebanese wine. I had a wonderful time.

Bewitched

She's grateful for your friendship because you brought her back to LIFE and you expect her to be whole...

♥ red ♥

I thought I would take my first real attempt at drawing and painting a girl(or anything) ....ever....in my life....and journal her.

I think she looks like she's dreaming of an adventure.

moving right along...

One of my resolutions this year is to make my spiritual life a priority by finding and implementing authentic ways to worship Jesus Christ and reach new levels of sacred intimacy. I’m approaching this relationship like I would that of a lover, I want the lines of communication to be open, I want our love to be both comfortable and fresh but most importantly, I want it to be real.

2008 was parched for me on the spiritual realm. Going through the motions of church life left me feeling void of any real depth of soul. Somehow, somewhere a connection was not happening. I started to feel boxed in and burdened by my beliefs instead of set free by them. Church, as comforting as it can be to be around like minded people at times, can be so milk toast and void of uniqueness or color. How can I have a personal, individual relationship with Christ - that is my own exclusive relationship, in a ‘one size fits all’ environment? I can’t, I need my alone time with The Lord. I need my own stamp, my own personality, my own creativity (or weirdness) or whatever. Anyway, I have always been fascinated by religions and rituals and I have decided to take the things that appeal to me from other religions or denominations and apply them in my own world, creating my own form of worship. I don’t believe that God ever intended us to be a bunch of robots anyway, do you?

MY USB CORD IS WORKING!!

I'm participating in Misty Mawn's journal entry a day project for January but my cord hasn't been operating so this is my very first post. It's not exactly pretty but that is kind of what I like about it. This spread was inspired by the book "Women Who Run With Wolves" as were the poems that I wrote on the pages.

FEMALE

Alive- me
A living, breathing creature
Woman

Therefore, I am growing-still.
Feed me
Give me drink
Nurture the dreamer
Encourage the soul
Prune only what has become too heady
Allow me my instinct
For I am most beautiful, when left wild

Shifting gear...This is the painting that Ben gave me for Christmas. I had a hard time getting a decent photograph of it because it's HUGE. It gets different reactions I'm sure, but it reminds me of freedom, isn't that weird? The first time that I laid eyes on it, and every time that I've looked at it since, I think about what life will look like for us if we keep passing law after law in the name of "safety" and "security". Maybe it's just me...

Stacey's Candy Dishes and My Random Thoughts

So.... my USB cord won't work on my camera. That's why I was unable to complete December Views (WAH!). I was jonezin for a post though so I decided to swipe a picture from my sister's blog (http://collagecafe.blogspot.com/) These are candy dishes that she made by collage on martini glasses! They're splendid are they not?!

I have several new spreads in my journal that I want to upload as soon as I have a working USB cord. I definitely want to post more this year. Yep, more posting and more journals. Especially more journals!! JOURNAL LOVE!! I'm so consumed by this art expression. I don't know how I have survived so long without a creative outlet that is visual like this. It's been extremely therapeutic for me. The entire process acts like a sedative to my soul. It's a weakness worth having.

E~♥

December Views...I missed a few days

She (Gisele) just couldn't help herself.

December views 13,14 and 15 (I think I'm cheating)

I think that these were businesses in downtown Salt Lake City that closed down and artists made the boarded up establishments pretty. Yay street art!

December Views 9,10 & 11

I'm in Phoenix visiting family for a few days. I went up in my brother-in-law's plane for the first time today. For some reason I wasn't at all nervous.

My stylish headphones and hangover glasses.

One adventure that I can cross off of my list.

December views 10th & 11th

I'm in Phoenix visiting family for a few days. I went up in my brother-in-law's plane for the first time today. For some reason I wasn't at all nervous. My stylish headphones and my hangover glasses!

One adventure to cross off of my list.

This is the little tree outside of my kitchen door. It's been snowing today. The camera picked up some of the flurries but not all of them. I think that snow is beautiful.

I made stir fry for dinner tonight (those are tomatoes). I actually remembered to wear the cute apron that my mom made me for Christmas last year. Except I didn't think to take a picture of it.

I'm a messy cook. Who am I kidding? I'm a messy person in general. I'm going to work at being more organized in 2009.

Sitting down to blog. I read over my last posts and they seem forced, almost canned. I need to learn how to put my guard down and be vulnerable. I'm thirty four and I still struggle to find my own voice. I wonder if anybody else feels this way?...