twenty-tens a comin

Christmas was spent in Phoenix with my parents. It was really nice to spend it with them. It had been a couple of years. My mom put everything she had into us kids like always. As soon as I get a memory card for my camera I'll post some pictures of the killer purse that she made for me.

I've been thinking a lot about what changes I would like to make this coming year. Yep, I'm one of those. I enjoy this time of year and the reflection that it brings. I'm spending the next few days getting organized and (somewhat) planning my execution. I mean to do a lot more writing this year.

It's time

I've spent a lot of energy in my life trying to avoid being vulnerable in order to be, or appear to be, strong and independent. I also thought that I could keep myself from getting hurt. I realize now that I have had it all wrong. It takes strength and courage to let your guard down and fall in love be it platonic or romantic and there is no way to outsmart getting hurt. I'm finally ready to fall in love. I'm ready to fall big and I'm ready to fall hard. But mostly, I'm ready to fall completely.

Intuition

Life is worth all of the trials...
the lost hopes...
the dashed dreams...
even the heartache...
when it teaches the dreamer...
how to listen...
to herself.

I want someone to tell my secrets to...

Crossing Thresholds

Sometimes I sit down to write or work in my art journal or paint and it just flows right out of me. But lately...that's not the case. The last several months have been full of change and emotional growth. There is not much in my life today that was there only a few months ago. People leave, people die, jobs are lost, loved ones are terminally diagnosed...yet somehow life goes on and even has the capacity of becoming sweeter. Relationships are appreciated, time is valued, hopes and dreams are fought for. In the middle of it all lies opportunity to change direction and cross the much needed thresholds in order to live authentically. My life, my person, is like this unfinished painting. Unsure of the result of each new decision but determined to become a work of art anyway...

Closing doors and opening windows

Love isn't actually difficult to find but rather easy to miss. It's too subtle to outshine our ideals and if we've never learned to love or value ourselves, it's not only tricky to recognize, but to accept.

♥ ♥ ♥

I need someone I can talk to

I have a hard time digesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with any genuine intellect. I see the big picture first and then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times, in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure

This is why I enjoy writing & making art so much. Talking often moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing or respond the wrong way and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or, I make myself sound like an idiot…. I do that a lot. I'm much smarter than my conversation reveals. With writing, I can take the time to articulate my thoughts and feelings into the right words. With art, it doesn't need to make sense to anyone else at all.

(photos were taken while sailing in San Diego last week)

I have a hard time dygesting things quickly. In terms of life I mean. I comprehend things emotionally much sooner than I can speak about them with genuine intellect. I see the big picture first, then I work on understanding the details. I work backward in a sense. A lot of times in interactions, I'm very aware that I tend to be operating on a different wave length than most. Sometimes that realization is empowering other times it's maddening and can leave me feeling very alone and insecure.

I think this is why I enjoy writing so much. Talking moves too fast and I'm almost certain to say the wrong thing and piss someone off (which evokes a whole new set of emotions and thoughts to quickly grasp!) or make I myself sound like an idiot.

Life's constant alterations

It's an odd thing when you outgrow your life. Like most things we outgrow, it happens over night - the quantum leap. The tiny changes we've made up to this point, the books we've read, the decision we've made (good & bad) even that brief conversation with the stranger that tweaked our perspective, all of these things abruptly manifest and suddenly nothing fits.

I've been sorting through it all the last few months trying to figure out exactly what I need to change and who it is that I want to be and how it is that I want to live. I need to take some risks in my life and start betting on my own dreams.

Fertile Ground

We've had a lot of rain this spring and I've really enjoyed it. I like the way rainy days calm my nerves and remind me to step back and take time to reflect...

to forgive...

to hand it all over to God & allow the soil of my heart to soften once again.

Sometimes a girl's just gotta splurge

I bought my first Moleskine today and OH.MY.GOODNESS. How have I lived this long without one? I don't know, I don't know. I can only plead ignorance.

It's the little things

I pray for more moments where I recognize the sweetness in the simplest parts of life- where I pause to listen to the rain against my window & remember to enjoy the journey...
Be it full of sorrow or joy.

Restoration

I've been a social butterfly this week. After being pretty much a hermit for the last year or more, it feels nice to extend myself into other people's lives again. Utah hasn't been the easiest place for me to make girlfriends. Most people have known each other all of their lives here and penetrating that circle can be intimidating to say the least. Either that or they are married with a bazillion kids and I have a hard time relating. So, I've spent the majority of my time here feeling out of the loop and a bit awkward. But I've been praying about it and what do ya know...women that I've met over the years are beginning to surface once again and this time around there is more of a connection. We seem to be at the same place in our lives on many different things. The reinvention of 'me' is well underway and making some mighty fine progress. ♥

I came home from a BBQ tonight to find this sweet little girl sleeping in my armouire. She is determined to get fur on every square inch of this place!

thee poetess is learning to paint

Last night it was so beautiful outside that I took my supplies out onto my back steps and painted while I listened to music by 'Wovenhand'. It's a CD that Ben brought by a few weeks ago that I can't get enough of, especially when I'm creating something. The lyrics are like prayers & the music is dark and mystical, it's fabulous!

It's difficult to capture the effects of the different layers by photograph and it's my first time drawing a 'real life' looking person. I don't think I did too badly. I'm actually kind of proud of the lips, even though they are a bit uneven.

♥~♥

I feel so small
inside of myself
as if I'm beginning
to disappear
watching
from the outside
looking in
a fly
on my own wall

~E~

♥~♥

Revolution of the Heart

If you click on the picture you'll be able to see more of the detail in this.

Get it in your journal!

What are some of your dreams? This is hard for a lot of people and as life beats us down, as it has a tendency to do, it can get even harder. What did you use to dream about when you were younger and determined to win against all odds? Do you remember? What are some of the things you catch yourself daydreaming about now? (I pray you still allow yourself to daydream?!) Get them down in your journal. Nothing is too silly or far fetched! Nobody has to see this but you anyway, so trust yourself with your own heart. Pick a couple (or a lot) of pictures that represent your dreams and then write others around them. It seems difficult at first but once you start letting yourself dream again your memory has rapid recall. Pay attention to how your mood begins to perk up (that's called hope). We were created to dream and move toward a vision.

♥♥♥♥♥

"The definition of old is when your problems are bigger than your dreams."

-anonymous

I 'Heart' My Art Journal

I've been working in my journal everyday this week. It remains one of the most therapeutic rituals that I have. Between this and the morning pages that I've been writing for the last three weeks (taken from The Artist's Way by: Julia Cameron) I am really beginning to feel myself unblocking. I've almost completed this entire journal and I have my eye on a new Moleskine. I just haven't decided on whether or not I want one with watercolor paper.

I live for these kind of weekends!

This weekend was lazy in the 'real world' sense. I did nothing but indulge my artist all weekend long. I read and wrote poetry, had a massage and lounged at a coffee shop drinking tea and reading my novel. I went to the library and looked through art books & read about people and issues that I'm passionate about. I actually played and wrote in my art journal, something that I haven't done in awhile. And I watched movies that inspired me artistically; An Angel at My Table - about awarding winning poet Janet Frame and Frida - about Frida Kahlo of course. Both of these movies liberated me somehow... I don't know how to explain. I've always been eccentric and known that I was. But somehow overnight, I'm truly alright with it for the first time ever in my life. It's OK if I don't conform. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just want be my own person.

♥ Happy Mother's Day Mom ♥

I'm not a very good photographer but I did my best. Here is a photo of the mixed media collage I made for my mom as part of her Mother's Day gift. She loved it - which made my day!

I love you mom! Thank you for being such a fun mom and for teaching me how to laugh at myself, among other things. Have a wonderful day and know that you are loved, appreciated and admired...by someone I'm sure!

XOXO

I have no idea where I'm going with this, I just wanted to do something different. I started it last night and then added the red and white today. I plan on writing in white on top of the red I'm just trying to find the given words. That's as far as I've let myself plan. I just want to see where the painting takes me. I have so many emotions flying around inside of me right now. I feel far removed from things, people, my dreams...I think the painting is panning out to be a good manifestation of that. Maybe once all of that is expressed it will bring me back around to where I long to be.

Nothing wreaks havoc on a heart like the response of indifference. But I would rather risk pain then forget how it feels to love and to live and to hope and to dream.

Poetry Sweet Poetry

Oh how I love poetry. I have been writing it since I can remember. It's always been not only my creative outlet but my psychiatrist as well! Sometimes the internalization of all the different emotions around me becomes so overwhelming that the only way that I can understand what I'm feeling is to describe it in picturesque words. I always thought my writing was just a silly, even irrational, past time until recently. The more poetry that I read the more wondrous it seems. Reading the hearts of men and women who lived decades or even centuries before me is so romantic and surreal. The poets of the past are like immortal lovers whispering perpetual sweet nothings in my ear. I dream of people reading my poetry one hundred years from now and discovering a kindred spirit.

Happy Easter

This is a rough draft of a collage painting that I'm going to do on 12x24" birch plywood. I just ordered the plywood via the Internet and it will be here on the 22nd. Which works out perfectly because I have the 24th off, so guess what I'll be doing ALL DAY LONG- muahahaha!

Happy Easter everyone!!

April = National Poetry Month!

I didn’t even know there was a National Poetry Month. I adore poetry! With the changes that I’m making in my life I wanted to post a poem that somehow reflected that.

Risk

And then the day came,

when the risk to remain

tight in a bud

was more painful

than the risk

it took

to Blossom

By Anais Nin

♥♥

That poem, along with the author being French, reminded me of my latest favorite movie, Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain (The Fabulous Destiny of Amelie Poulain) I just call it - Amelie. Amelie is directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (who also directed another one my favorite French films, Delicatessen.) And has a quirky humor and gorgeous cinematography. The colors in the film are rich and vivid and the soundtrack is marvelous. But it’s the story line that reminds me of the poem. You’ll see several characters take seemingly small risks (with Amelie’s help) that literally change their lives. It’s a lovely movie. In fact I just put it in my Netflix queue tonight for the second time. I’m sure I’ll end up purchasing it for my personal DVD collection.

I’ve had such a contrary couple of weeks.

Ben and I decided to stop seeing each other. Which is an awful lot like ripping a band aid off; it hurts like hell but has to be done. I think ending our “relationship” (I use that term loosely) was one of the few things that we ever agreed on and we even argued about that, go figure. But aside from that I have the rush that new found independence tends to give and I have applied for school in the fall. I take my assessment test tomorrow, yikes! I have decided on a degree in Humanities and I’m giddy to be a student again. And although I’m hungry for the knowledge, going to school full time and working full time is going to be crazy! But I’m up for it….I think.

Then there is Gisele. Poor girl had to go back to the vet today and have her original incision from being spayed a month ago, reopened, cleaned and closed back up with different sutures. She had an allergic reaction to the dissolvable stitches and had developed an infection. This time around they gave her the good old fashion stitches. Except they’re worried about her licking them hence the stylish t-shirt she is so obviously thrilled about. I have already taken it off of her so that she could cuddle up and sleep like she does.

So that’s life in Bohemian Sugar. I’m just trying to get a grip.

Look familiar?

This is the girl that I sketched and shaded for my Suzi Blu class. I finished her and then cut her out and glued her to this canvas adding paint and collage elements. I couldn't pick up all of the details in any of my photos but I sort of went crazy with them. It reminds me of a scene from a fairytale.

Sketching

It's weird...it isn't about being good anymore, it's about how good it makes me feel...

Day TWO

Belly dancing!! Not exactly a dream but it is something that I want to do, something that I'm going to do! I'm calling this weekend to register for class. I figure as long as I'm moving forward and acting on things that I want right now then I'm moving in the right direction. To often we live in the past, replaying things in our minds over and over....driving ourselves CRazY. We are not our past, we can not change our past and we can not relive our past. All we really have is today, right now - this moment, that's it. There is so much that I need to change and so much that I want to do and I need to start now.

♥

Five things I am grateful for today: the ability to dream about the future; Jesus Christ; my brothers and sisters; forgiveness from those that I've hurt.

3 week challenge - Day one

I'm participating in the three week challenge (www.3weekchallenge.ning.com) and today was my first day. Part of that challenge is to write down five things, each day, that you're grateful for and do quick daily journal entries about the dreams that you have. I've decided to combine the two.

One of my dreams is to have a best friend to laugh and make art with. And the five things I'm grateful for today are...

1) Mom
2) Gisele
3) Melinda
4) My home
5) My job

I hope you all have a wonderful day and you're working on focusing on what is right in life. There is so much to be thankful for if we will just take the time to look and think about it.
♥

Spring?

I'm just kicking back and watching the snow fall outside my window on this lovely spring morning. Yes, snow! Yesterday it was 60 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, today it's cold and snowing. That's what spring in Utah is like. I actually like it though, the variety I mean.


Gisele and I have just been hanging out on my bed reading and writing. Pascal The Parrot, my little chicken man, is still covered in his cage sound asleep. We're a lazy bunch today.

Practice, Practice

I'm really starting to fall in love with drawing and can't wait to get better at it. It's becoming habit to reach for my sketchbook and pencil when I sit down on the couch. I can actually see some improvement with this girl and that's very encouraging for me. Especially because it has been such a short time since starting. More and more I like the idea of my own drawings being the main element in my journal spreads. It's more authentic that way.

A Place To Escape

I only meant to sit down for a minute, just to practice drawing heads (I'm taking the Suzi Blu 'Les Petite Dolls' class). But, with the music playing and my color pencils just begging me to stay, I let the stress of the day melt away and slipped deep into my own world at last.

It's ok if her head is freakishly large...this is folk art!

What If?

what if mermaids lived in the sky? what if dreams really do come true? what if you take everything i said the wrong way? what if you believed that you could anything? what if i draw every single day? what if i don't call anyone for days and days? what if i believe in love? what if I stop being afraid?

All weekend long I played with paint, glue, oil pastels & colored pencils. I wrote poems, cut out pictures, painted canvas', scribbled, transfered AND...finished nothing! But I rested well last night. Creating brings me peace - keeps me centered. Don't you love escaping to the world that only you can create?


Gisele is fascinated by my bubble baths. She walks around on the edge of the tub the entire time that I'm bathing. I love this picture of her. It was only a couple of months ago but she's already grown and changed so much. I never in a million years thought I'd be a cat person, but I love this cat!

I've decided to stop thinking that everything in my journal has to be a piece of art, after all this is my journal isn't it? It's where I try things out, write sucky poems, draw silly pictures, vent my feelings or just plain DOODLE. I think the reason my imagination has been like the sahara desert is because I keep trying to create something wonderful and artistic instead of just PlAyINg!! Who cares if it looks like a five year old did it? I was five for one whole year after all and I'm allowed to relive it as often as I want...so there.

I'm always making lists (and losing them). So I've decided to start writing some of them in my journal. Then doodling around them and coloring with some crayons. Aside from the crayons it's what my lists look like anyway. I think implenting art in my everyday activities will help keep my creative juices flowin!

Creative Block

I haven't felt very creative lately. I don't really know why. This page is something I forced out as you can probably tell. I plan to write something deep and moving in it, I just don't know what yet! I'll be doing some spring cleaning tomorrow and rearranging some things. Hopefully that will spark a creative fire. But until then I'll leave you with a poem from Charles Bukowski :)

Sway With Me

Sway with me, everything sad -
madmen in stone houses
without doors,
lepers streaming love and song
frogs trying to figure
the sky;
sway with me, sad things -
fingers split on a forge
old age like breakfast shells
used books, used people
used flowers, used love
I need you
I need you
I need you:
it has run away
like a horse or a dog,
dead or lost
or unforgiving.

MORE

give more♥love more♥believe more♥forgive more♥trust more♥live more♥encourage more♥pray more♥laugh more♥twirl more♥sing more♥uplift more♥dare more♥create more♥dream more♥except more♥DO more♥embrace more♥rejoice more♥bite your tongue more♥kiss more♥dance more♥say yes more♥serve more♥help more♥stand for something more♥cherish more♥write more♥care more♥be kind more♥give the benefit of the doubt more♥hold hands more♥cuddle more♥exercise more♥risk more♥learn more♥read more♥play more♥expect more♥desire more♥say hello more♥reach out more♥be thankful more♥extend grace more♥admit when you're wrong more♥ do all good things MORE!

Dear Ben,

I love your sick and twisted mind.

When I was little, I was astonished by the moon. I use to think that it followed me. As an adult, I still find it amazing & beautiful but the "man in the moon" just never sounded quite right... this sounds much better!